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Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (EWW Videos)
The EWW episode to the 2002 movie Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Transcript # Are you still excited by this? Because that means you didn't see the last movie. # Opening text crawl continues to bore and delight everyone. # More talk about the Senate? The next thing you know, this franchise is going to turn into The Manchurian Candidate. Which is a GREAT movie when it's not called Star Wars. # The third paragraph of this crawl is about the exciting action of voting. # Discount CGI Cloud City. # (Capt. Typho: "There was no danger at all.") Bomb was timed to explode at the moment of jinxing. # (Cordé: "I've failed you, Senator.") Well, you blew up instead of her, so I'd say that's pretty successful. # (Capt. Typho: "Senator Amidala, please.") How does one go from Queen to Senator? Do you have to renounce your bloodline's claim to the throne?! Is Senator actually a higher office than Queen to this society?! I am SO confused!! # (Mace Windu: "We're keepers of the peace, not soldiers.") Um...did the Jedi luck out out with sporadic uprisings until this moment in time? How do they "keep the peace" with so few of them if there aren't enough to go to war? That's like having a National Guard based in Nebraska with 15 people in it who can go to Florida if need be, but are powerless if anything happens later in Texas. # (Yoda: "The Dark Side clouds everything.") Let's just go ahead and say it: Yoda is useless as a prophet. # Also, how does Palpatine have such amazing control of the Dark Side of the Force that NONE of these Jedi can sense it 3 feet away? # (Yoda: "Impossible to see the future is.") Annd yet future prophecy bullshit will drive EVERYTHING we do from here on. # Desktop hologram. # (Padmé: "I think that Count Dooku was behind it.") Well, then, if you say so. # (Mace Windu: "You know, Milady, Count Dooku was once a Jedi? He couldn't assassinate anyone; it's not in his character.") Did these assholes never once run into a Jedi who went to the Dark Side? Why does everyone fret about training someone like Anakin if that's the case? Sure, Darth Maul said something about "revealing ourselves to the Jedi" but I thought he was implying they'd been gone a long time, not that they never existed. # (Windu: "He's Obi-Wan just returned from a border dispute on Ancion.") He and Anakin were able to take care of that border dispute ALL BY THEMSELVES. Not only amazing, but not filmed to show us how that works! # (Obi-Wan: "I haven't felt you this tense s-since we fell into that nest of Gundarks.") That sounds exciting! Let's watch that instead of this! # (Jar Jar: "Obi? OBI!") Just like a phone that constantly rings, Jar Jar enters the picture to jangle on your nerves. # (Padmé: "...Ani?! My goodness, you've grown.") But you haven't. Hell, you guys are the same age now! # (Padmé: "Ani, you'll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.") So let's have kids together. # (Zam: "I hit the ship, but they used a decoy.") WHY did you wait until the ship was de-boarding to hit it? # (Jango Fett: "We'll have to try something more subtle this time, Zam.") WHY?! # (Anakin: "Ah, she covered the camera. I don't think she liked me watching her.") Yeah - would anybody? Especially someone who basically led dick-first during the introductions a minute ago? # (Obi-Wan: "You're using her as bait.") Why not use another decoy? Why not dress in drag in her bedroom while she sleeps on a nondescript floor of this building? # (Obi-Wan: "Besides, your senses aren't that attuned, my young apprentice." Anakin: "And yours are?") Just how much back-talk has Obi-Wan put up with from this little sh*t throughout the years?! Because...I'm betting it's "way too much". # (Anakin: "Just being around her again is...intoxicating.") Good God, man...Anakin is already out of control - the guy needs to bang a hooker, fast. # (Obi-Wan: "You've made a commitment to the Jedi Order, a commitment not easily broken.") And which doesn't allow for the power of boners. # If they know the exact floor and exact room Padmé is sleeping in, why didn't they just program this thing to fire missiles into the room? Yeah, yeah - the assassins felt like they needed to be "more subtle" but do you think people wouldn't be able to figure out this was foul play? # (Anakin: "The Chancellor doesn't appear to be corrupt.") Ha ha ha ha ha ha. # Now here's something extremely weird. Obi-Wan jumps and crashes through the window like a dick - through blinds and what is probably some tough-ass glass, even if it has a small hole in it. It's amazing he doesn't fall to his death right here. This is something unbecoming of his character and something Anakin might more likely do since he's a hormone-based horn-dog of a Jedi right now. # Also... Obi-Wan jumps out of a window to grab onto a probe sent to kill Padmé because...he thinks the probe will lead him to the person controlling it?! He thinks he can interrogate the probe?! "WHO SENT YOU, PROBE?!?!" # You'd also think a "subtle" device like this might have a self-destruct button in order to evade evidence and capture, but wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! # Luckily for Obi-Wan, this murder probe is programmed to return to its owner after a failed murder attempt! # I've got a gun that can fire with utmost accuracy, but I'll shoot the probe and let gravity decide this. # Woah, wait...what's that!? Is that my falling master in the middle of all this craziness!? Ex-Machina to the rescue! # This is the equivalent of thinking that if you jump at the last minute in a falling elevator, you'll be safe. # (Obi-Wan: "There he is.") Obi-Wan finds the assassin because...I guess every question is answered with "the Force". But even with that, the assassin decided to fly in the general direction of Obi-Wan's fall just a second ago, even though she was way up high earlier. # Jeez, how do they survive this sh*t? The answer is..."just because". # Phew! Glad that's over...time to take off my mask for virtually no reason. # (Obi-Wan: Anakin jumps out of speeder "I hate it when he does that.") YOU DID THE EXACT SAME THING A MINUTE AGO. Do you remember crashing through the glass after a f*cking flying probe? # Here's the problem: if you're going to explain he survives these things and somehow knows where Zam's ship is just because of "the Force" you're going to have to do a better job of relaying that message - this is some SERIOUS bullsh*t right here. # Anakin doesn't pull out his lightsaber and infiltrate or crash this speeder instantly. # WHAT!? # Once Anakin DOES use his lightsaber, he's terrifically bad at killing speeder pilots with it. # Obi-Wan catches Anakin's lightsaber This is more unbelievable than Harry finding Peter in the World Unity Festival crowd in "Spider-Man", the stupid kid finding Spider-Man's mask in "Spider-Man 2", and Petrr Parker finding his engagement ring while falling off a building in "Spider-Man 3". # Also, Obi-Wan conveniently catches Anakin's lightsaber, but then sets it on the passenger seat without care, almost ensuring it will go airborne or otherwise missing during the ensuing aerial chase. # Also, I thought Anakin wanted to see where this ship went - where the assassin went and who she's working for. Instead, he just went right back to "let's kill this asshole" and doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the other knowledge. # (Obi-Wan: "This weapon is your life.") It really isn't. You can make more. And there are alternatives to fighting, as we learn from somebody else in the earlier trilogy. I forget who. # (Obi-Wan: "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?") Not-hilarious overly-manipulated foreshadowing. # (Dealer: "You wanna buy some death sticks?") What a creative name for a thing! # (Obi-Wan: "You want to go home and rethink your life." Dealer: "I want to go home and rethink my life.") This is the only time Jedi mind tricks ever work - once with the Stormtrooper in the first movie, and with this drug dealer in the fifth movie. # Also, during this entire chase...no one is standing at the door to make sure the assassin doesn't walk out. Obi-Wan is drinking - definitely something a f*cking Jedi does when hunting somebody down. # Oh, now I know why Obi-Wan is drinking - so that there's a callback to the original Star Wars in the Mos Eisley Cantina, and so George Lucas can find an excuse to cut off another limb. # Also, why didn't she just shift into her other self for a disguise and simply walk out? # (Anakin: "Tell us now!") They don't even TRY to Jedi mind trick Zam. They just go the old-fashioned Batman and/or Jack Bauer route. # (Zam: "It was a bounty hunter called--" hit by Jango's dart) There's no chance in hell Jango knew where anyone was or what time they'd be here. Just go right to hell with that s*it. # By the way - you had no problems jumping after probes and defying death in traffic a minute ago to find Zam - but this Jango dude? Nah, we'll just wait here and hope the dying changeling can tell us some stuff. # (Obi-Wan: "Toxic dart.") It'll probably be the only good shot this guy ever gets off during these movies. # (Obi-Wan: "What about Senator Amidala? She will still need protecting." Yoda: "Handle that, your Padawan will.") I sensed he cared deeply about his mother and didn't want to train him because of that earlier, but now I can't sense this horny teenager's desire and will make him the primary guard for Amidala! # Everything here would look beautiful if it didn't look fake as s*it. # (Windu: "The boy has exceptional skills." Obi-Wan: "But he still has much to learn, master.") Somehow between this movie and the last one Obi-Wan and the Jedi Council have COMPLETELY reversed their roles on the idea of Anakin as a Jedi!! # (Yoda: "Too sure of themselves, they are.") Maybe it's that constant "fear leads to the Dark Side" tripe you've been preaching this whole time that makes them more confident than they should be? # (Windu: "If the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who can bring the Force back into balance.") Yeah, about this prophecy. Is there some sort of turmoil going on where the Jedi need the Force to come back into balance? If so, what does Anakin need to do to bring about that balance? Exist? There is absolutely no explanation for this and it feels like it was put in the script just to "sound good". # (Padmé: "It will be your responsibility to take my place in the senate. Representative Binks?" Jar Jar: Hmm?") Well, he certainly is qualified. # (Padmé: "I haven't worked for a year to defeat the Military Creation Act to not be here when its fate is decided.") Amidala's exposition is as clunky as the opening crawl - which already talked about this vote for which she wants to be present. # Funny how after Amidala had a run-in with an autonomous probe the previous night, she's allowed to walk around unobstructed windows to her heart's delight. # (Anakin: "He's overly critical, he never listens.") Where the f*ck did this come from? You were just talking about making sure she's safe and it turned into a diatribe about how life's unfair to you. # (Anakin: "It's not fair!") Padmé will not only ignore this childishness, but go on to enter a sexual relationship with this whiny baby. # (Padmé: "Please don't look at me like that." Anakin: "Why not?") Cause it feels like you want to f*ck me with your lightsaber, you creepy bastard. # (Anakin: a creepy expression "Sorry, milady.") Well, that is f*cking evil and creepy and now I need a shower. # Rose Byrne and Natalie Portman are not my Sister Wives in this scene. # (Obi-Wan: "Don't do anything without first consulting either myself or the Council.") Especially f*cking this queen, you hear?! # (Dex: "I ain't seen one of these since I was prospecting on Subterrel.") You saw these kinds of darts when you were prospecting? # (Dex: "It's these funny little cuts on the side that give it away... Those analysis droids only focus on symbols.") Ohhhhhhh...I mean, what? # This is a library, right? And it looks like everything is digital, so why the need for large stacks of blue everywhere? # Um, the official subtitles here say that R2-D2 gave that cook robot "raspberries". What. The. F*ck? # (Anakin: "Or be with the people that I love.") YOU DO NOT LOVE HER YET! You haven't even seen her in 10 years. You have a boner. That's it. How does Jedi training NOT include Sex Ed?! # (Anakin: "Attachment is forbidden.") So do all the Jedi just hope that all potential Jedi in the universe are created by that Shmi Skywalker method of midi-chlorinated pregnancy? # I'll tell you how this romance is made even more painful: it has to start with Amidala resisting Anakin for nearly the whole movie before they can start lying around in flowers and s*it. # Floaty ball practice. # (Youngling: "Because someone erased it from the archive memory.") Oh come on. So let me get this straight - just on the off chance someone was looking for this planet for whatever reason, someone decided to erase it from the archives? And why would anyone be looking for this planet except when someone finds a rare poison dart that only the chef at a diner could recognize? # Also, they removed the planet but they didn't remove ANYTHING else that might help someone locate it? That gives you, like...the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish, right? You might as well put a neon sign there that said, "Planet Removed for Incriminating Purposes." # (Obi-Wan: "But Master Yoda, who could empty information from the archives? That's impossible, isn't it?") Yeah...who could it be? Who has the power around here? I'm going to blame George W. Bush until we get to the bottom of this. # Apparently R2 navigates stairs one-by-one, very slowly, but can catch up to them no problem even though they never stop. # (Anakin: "I heard they even tried to amend the constitution so you could stay in office.") She was a queen, though, right? Not an elected official? Or...does this planet just elect people and call them queens?! # (Jamillia: "The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it." Padmé: Let's pray that day never comes.") You have a Queen in this world, right? Isn't that a monarchy? Or are you like the British Monarchy where you have a queen, but she has no power? # (Obi-Wan: "There it is, R4.") Yep, the planet we've probably seen for many, many parsecs because it is a huge celestial body in space...I am just now acknowledging that I see it. # (Lama Su: "You will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule.") All these people need to know is that Obi-Wan is a Jedi, and they just blab the whole evil plan to him before making sure it's OK to tell him. # (Anakin: "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.") Never a more eloquent word was spoken in order to woo a fine woman. # (Anakin: "Here everything is soft...and smooth.") This line works. # Also...didn't you fools JUST get here?! Rapid romance is f*cking rapid! # # (Lama Su: "We take great pride in our combat education and training programs.") But we don't spend much time on aiming practice. # (Lama Su: "An unaltered clone for himself. Curious, isn't it?") Not if you're trying to come up with the origin story of Boba Fett, it isn't. # Everything in the background in this shot is some bulls*it people should be ashamed of. # Movie unintentionally inspires Twilight. # Do you get the sense they walked into this meadow, and like Back to the Future II, ordered this background to show the Scenery Channel? # This romance AND politics in the same scene!? SKIP! # Anakin pretends to be hurt more seriously than he is, she falls for it, and movie thinks that's love. # Movie misses its chance to insert the lightsaber swooshing noise in this scene. # No one apparently told Jango that a Jedi was coming, because he left his incriminating s*it in he closet completely out in the open for anyone to see. # (Jango: "They'll do their job well.") A whole army of Jango Fetts and somehow the bad guys are gonna lose this thing. # They're about to eat fruit with f*cking silverware. # (Anakin: "From the moment I met you...") Aaaaaand skip! # (Anakin: "I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.") Ladies and gentlemen, the f*cking poetry of George Herbert Walker Lucas. # (Padmé: "You're studying to become a Jedi, I'm...I'm a senator.") Sex isn't possible because senators have senator parts and Jedi have Jedi parts! # We could have accepted this love story in Attack of the Clones if we could have seen Anakin do awesome Jedi s*it throughout the movie and Padmé, despite everything in the world telling her not to, decided, "You know what? F*ck it. I need to go to this Jedi and break off a piece." And the story of Luke and Leia's birth gets told, without all the arguing, pleading and terrible dialogue trying to make it so. And it would have cut about 20 minutes from the movie. # Obi-Wan has to give his report while standing out in the middle of a torrential downpour. # (Obi-Wan: "Did the Council ever authorise the creation of a clone army?") Hmm...Palpatine came into power about 10 years ago...the Jedi who supposedly ordered a clone army died about 10 years ago...and there's only one guy who has the kind of power to do all this...so...hmmm...who could it be? # (Yoda: "Blind we are, if creation of this clone army we could not see.") But instead of explaing how that's possible, we dedicated many minutes to Amidala and Anakin NOT having sex. In other words - these movies tell you a lot about what is happening, but don't tell you the ins and out of why those things are. And there definitely isn't any ins and outs going on in the bedroom, either. # (Windu: "I think it is time we informed the senate that our ability to use the Force has diminished.") Woah, what?! Where did that come from, and even if it's true...WHY would you tell the obviously-corrupt senate?! # Also, this movie uses the words senate, senator and vote more than it uses the word "Force". # (Yoda: "Only the Dark Lord of the Sith knows of our weakness.") Thankfully, he's not also the supreme chancellor. I mean...phew...could you imagine?! # (Anakin: his sleep "No!") You got that right! # (Anakin: "...I saw my mother.") Thank GOD a vision came to Anakin to go save his mother. I just wish it could have happened about 30 minutes ago. # (Anakin: "I'm sorry, I don't have a choice." You're right. You have no choice between ignoring your dream mom's drama and continuing to Honor your non-dream pledge to hide and protect Padmé. Fate is forcing your hand, as it often does...through vague dreams. # (Boba: "Dad, look!") Woah...what the hell is going on? How did we get here? # Obi-Wan fist fights with this dude instead of Force Choking him or Force Pushing him or any of the other non-hand-to-hand Force attacks! # Ah yes, of course...I remembered to bring my throwable homing beacon that instantly sticks to anything I throw it towards! # Also...the world of Star Wars is one in which a homing beacon like this can just casually be tossed on your ship without said ship' sensors picking it up whatsoever. # Shouldn't rain be hitting the lightsaber and producing little puffs of smoke? # (Anakin: Watto "Do you know where they are now?") It's amazing, even with all the Jedi training and "peacekeeping" he's done over 10 years, there wasn't ONE time he was allowed to fly over to Tatooine and visit his mom? # (Jango: "He must've put a homing device on our hull.") They DO realize they're being tracked, but only after they arrive at their destination! Incon-convenient! # This is a clear case of where the challenge is way too high for anyone to survive it, and therefore - you just sit in the theater wondering why Obi-Wan isn't dead. # (Boba: "Get him, Dad, get 'im! Fire!") Boba Fett, ladies and gentlemen. # Tell me - why is it in Star Wars when the bad-guy ships fire at the good-guy ships, the lasers all go all around the ship instead of at least ONE blast hitting it? # Once again, something easily catches up to another something but can't close any further distance when it's 50 feet away. # (Jango: "Well, we won't be seeing him again.") Overly-cocky Jango Fett is overly-cocky. # Hey, I remember that scene! # I just noticed something - there's really no reason R2 couldn't have come along on this mission. All he's doing right now is following Padmé and Anakin around. I'm pretty sure R4 is the "red R2 you look for in toy stores" at this point. # (Padmé: "Stay with the ship, R2.") Why did you even let him out? # (C-3PO: "I am C--" Anakin: "3PO?") So Watto sold Shmi to some other person - and she decided to take the incomplete C-3PO with her? And someone decided to finish the job? # (Owen: "Owen Lars. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Beru.") Let me get this straight - the powers that be decided that Luke would someday come to live here, even though Anakin met Owen and Beru? You didn't think that would be a huge risk? What if Vader decided to come back to the old homestead for whatever reason? # Not that I'm complaining, but Padmé decided to wear the super hot ab-bearing outfit to go meet Ani's mom. # The ending is confusing. We were logically following Anakin as he seeks bloody revenge against the Tusken Raiders who killed his mom, and this scene makes us think we're still following him - but no, we're suddenly on an entirely different planet following Obi-Wan. # (Dooku: "We must persuade the Commerce Guild and the Corporate Alliance to sign the treaty.") Just once I'd like to see somebody hiding in a corner somewhere, and the bad guys AREN'T talking about the most important essence of their plan in earshot. Just once, I'd like to hear they had bagels for breakfast or something. # Furthermore - the guy he was following, Jango Fett, isn't even in this meeting with Count Dooku. So what kind of luck is that s*it? He just decided to walk around, find a secret opening in the mountains, and stumble on he plot of the movie? # Count Dooku walks right past a Jedi here and DOES NOT SENSE HIM!!! # (Anakin: "Stay with me, Mom.") In the grand tradition of all dying Star Wars characters - Shmi held on long enough for one final meeting before passing away. # Also... Anakin watches his mother die, because something something dark side motivation something something. # This movie doesn't earn the Dark Side transformation of Anakin. He was a whiny kid for most of this movie, and now he massacres a bunch of Tuskens. Had someone been here to stop him, and that need for revenge FESTERED in his heart - the next time would be a good time for a massacre. Most of everything we know about Anakin was talked about, not shown - and this comes off as rushed. # (Yoda: "Pain, suffering...") Yeah, but apparently your ability to use the Force isn't good anymore, so what can you trust? # (Yoda: "Death, I feel.") Hmm, I don't feel any of that s*it, but maybe I should ACT like I do. # What's the bigger sin here... bad guy bug thing stumbling upon Obi-Wan, or Obi-Wan parking his ship out in the goddamn open like this?! # Anakin takes his dead rotting mother into the house... because... Jedi reasons. And also disease. # (Anakin: "Why'd she have to die?") She probably didn't. But you left her alone here as a slave on this planet to pursue your own Jedi goals. What did you THINK was gonna happen to her? Happily ever after?! # (Anakin: "I will be the most powerful Jedi ever.") This is pretty much par for the course as to why we hated this performance. We kind of want Anakin to start being a colder person - definitely a lot less whiny at this point, more Darth Vader-y - instead our brains keep referring to their "Shut Up!" section. # (Anakin: "I killed them all...") Don't use the pronoun game, Ani... using the pronoun game leads to the Dark Side. # And she still had sex with him after this... for some reason. # (Anakin: "And not just the men... but the women, and the children too.") Anakin can somehow tell the Tusken women and children from the men. I'm not even mad... that's amazing! # (Anakin: "I'm a Jedi... I know I'm better than this.") And this is the ONLY time we see Anakin struggle with the good and bad of his feelings. Everything else has been "Dark Side" and "wanna screw Padmé". # (Anakin: "I miss you... so much.") Lucas asked him to deliver the line as though his dick got cut off halfway through, but he also knew an enchanted fairy would eventually grow his dick back so he's not super concerned about it, but he wants to SEEM like he is. # (C-3PO: "It seems that he's carrying a message from an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Hm...Master Ani, does that name mean anything to you?") I wonder if he means Old Ben? # (Obi-Wan: "I have tracked the bounty hunter Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis.") Despite the fact that Jango completely disappeared from the action, I managed to stumble upon a completely new part of the plot that is important for all the good guys to know. # Hologram action sequence. # (Anakin: "He's like my father! But you heard Master Windu, he gave me strict orders to stay here.") And Obi-Wan gave you strict orders to stay on Naboo, and we saw how that worked. # Why the f*ck is C-3PO suddenly on this mission? # (Mas Amedda: "If only...Senator Amidala were here.") Entire sequence of events leads to Jar Jar making an important decision in the Senate to give Palpatine more power. # Also, was this Part of Palpatine's Plan? Did he know that Padmé would appoint the dumbest character alive to be her replacement when s*it hit the fan? # How awesome would this be if Dooku had been in the first movie - and the first movie wasn't the first movie? How many awesome backstories are we left to imagine while the STORY leaves us wanting? # (Dooku: "The Dark Side of the Force has clouded their vision, my friend.") Again... how? Perfect time to explain this bulls*it, and immediately goes on to the next subject. # Wait... this is an exhaust vent they landed in, right? Do exhaust vents usually have perfect landing platforms for ships? # (C-3PO: "Where are you going now?") R2 decides to go against orders and leave the ship anyway, something he must only be doing to piss off C-3PO at this point because at no time has R2 shown a tendency to go against orders since the new trilogy began. # "Conveyor belt of dangerous industry" cliche. # Also, this is the most video-game-ing-est movie scene ever included in a movie just to sell a video game. # I guess R2 knew that this would turn out OK. What a psychotic little bastard! # Hey there, Star Wars fan... FYI... R2-D2 can fly. F*ck you! # (C-3PO: "I wonder what happened to poor little R2. He's always getting himself into trouble.") How do you know that? You've only known R2 for a couple of hours! And don't give me "he knew him from the first movie" crap either because 3PO was an off-and-on incomplete robot the entire time! # (C-3PO: "I'm so confused.") Maybe that explains why you aren't funny anymore. # Movie is an asshole. That is the very definition of cheating in filmmaking, you f*cker. This is equivalent to telling your mother you have terminal cancer, and then when she starts sobbing you trash talk about how you pranked her and how stupid she is. # Give me a break. Why would there be anything like this sitting around in this random part of the factory? And once again, R2-compatible! # I still can't figure out why Jango even needs to be here. On one planet, he's the guy they use to make clones. On another planet, they're making army bots and he's here because... Obi-Wan needed to catch a break. # (Anakin: "I thought that we had decided not to fall in love.") You see why the romance should have taken a lot sooner? There's basically 40 minutes left in this movie and they're STILL trying to resolve this. # (Padmé: "I truly... deeply... love you.") George Lucas thinks people talk this way. # Also... Jedi SKIP! # Our heroes luck out and are taken to an arena to be executed instead of simply getting killed on the spot. # Movie unintentionally inspires John Carter. # I might be scared of these things if they didn't look like Tex Avery drawings put into the Weird Science machine and donated to the Umbrella Corporation. # (Anakin: "I've got a bad feeling about this.") Character breaks the fourth wall to talk to the audience about the film itself. # This creature basically didn't want to kill Amidala, just make her sexier. # Nobody seems particularly concerned that one of the prisoners is free. # This thing is terrible at thinging. # (After Padmé kicks one of the creatures off the pillar) Bulls*it. # Also, a simple kick to the chest incapacitates this heaping mound of psychosis. # Hey George, while we're here... humanizing Boba Fett was one of the stupidest ideas you had in these prequels, and that's saying something! # Aren't these animals "weak-minded" enough so they can Jedi mind trick them? Or is that just a human-to-human interaction? # Obi-Wan pokes at the beast instead of just Force-throwing the spear into its brain. # Ow, my vagina!!! # (Dooku: "You're impossibly outnumbered." Windu: "I don't think so.") How did these robots know to start coming down the hallway? Everyone in power is here, and no one gave an order or pressed a button or anything that would make a robot army start coming down here dramatically - and why only 4 of them? # Star Wars finally gives us a nerdgasm scene with DOZENS of Jedi and lightsaberw all at once, and I'd take a son or two off if I hadn't had to sit through two movies of mostly boring bulls*it to finally get this. # Since you enjoyed this In Phantom Menace so much, Lucas ups the ante with even more Jedi versus copious amounts of CGI droids. # Why did the drone with the C-3PO head decide to march into battle? Doesn't his mind work differently? Wouldn't he just go lie down somewhere until all this was over? # Jesus Christ. Skip! # Jango Unchained. # (C-3PO: "I'm terribly sorry about all this!") Basically, these things don't even need heads if they have no control with them on. # (C-3PO: "Oh, I'm quite beside myself.") I hate you and I wish you would die. # FIRST OFF - this is too many goddamn shots to block. # SECOND, and maybe more importantly, Padmé DOESN'T HAVE A LIGHTSABER. HOW DOES SHE LIVE!? # (Padmé: "Look!") Eagles? # (Yoda: "Around the survivors, a perimeter create!") What was that, Yoda? I couldn't hear you over the battle, this ship, and your 3-pack-a-day voice! # So, if his dad's head had fallen out of the helmet right here... would he have been even more traumatized... or, you know... you think he would've laughed a little? Cause... come on, that's funny! # Also, the "birth" of Boba Fett might have been cool if that asshole didn't get casually get tossed in a Sarlacc. # "OK, Sam, you're running, you're running - there's all sorts of battle going on around you - we'll fill that in later." # (Poggle: "The Jedi must not find out designs for the ultimate weapon.") The Death Star is apparently fully operational in, like, 20 years. They must have had a million contractors working 24/7 on that thing. # Cerebrum-icide. # (Anakin: "Shoot him down!" Clone Gunner: "We're out of rockets, sir.") F*ck you, you are not. Why are you even still flying around, then? Why didn't you tell anyone that before we got to this point? # (Anakin: "You're gonna pay for all the Jedi that you killed today, Dooku.") Saying things! # Electricity - curiously a trait only Dark Side Force users have. # What a f*cking surprise. Is that the 50th limb cut off in this franchise? # He could finish them both off right now - or at least Obi-Wan if he knows where Anakin is headed, but decides... naaaah. # (Yoda: "The Dark Side I sense in you.") Which... I somehow CAN'T sense when I'm on Coruscant when Palpatine is around, and we've established we've lost much of our Force power... but f*ck it - I can now! # Yoda pulls out a lightsaber. He finally fights. It took 10 hours of Star Wars to finally see this - and I'm torn because he's a bastard CGI creation now. # Why does this guy need a cane again? # Here was a GLORIOUS chance to see 3 Jedi all combing their Force power together and stopping this ship from flying. Or as we said before - why can't Yoda just stop this ship himself if size doesn't matter? This thing is smaller than Luke's ship in the swamp. The Force is powerful but is no match for an internal combustion engine. # Everybody goddamn misses. # Let's talk about Palpatine's plan. It required Amidala to be taken off the planet so she couldn't vote on the "Military Creation Act". Then she had to make JAR JAR BINKS her replacement, who is then passively bullied to request a vote granting unlimited power to Palpatine. Then the Jedi have to stumble on a poison dart that was only used because another assassin failed... a dart that only a diner owner could verify. Then Palpatine REMOVED the planet from the archives, which required even more sleuth work! Then, when Obi-Wan went to he cloner planet, the people there showed him the entire plot no questions asked, which led him to Jango. Jango had to curiously leave for ANOTHER planet where the droids were being manufactured so that Obi-Wan could relay that message back to the Republic - and ONLY THEN could they get the ball rolling. Without all that - what did he plan to do? # (Yoda: "Begun...the Clone War has.") Did Yoda just name this war? Or... did the Jedi have some prophecy that warned of a "Clone War"? I mean, who gave him the authority to name Wars and s*it?! # "Do you?" "Yes." "Do you?" "Dude, I like totally did already...lots." Movie Sin Tally: 218 BONUS ROUND: YOU'VE CHANGED * Padmé: "My goodness, you've grown." (+1) (Bonus Sin Counter: 1) * Anakin: "Grown more beautiful, I mean." (+5) (Bonus Sin Counter: 6) * Padmé: "You've grown up." (+10) (Bonus Sin Counter: 16) * Padmé: "Don't try to grow up too fast." (+15) (Bonus Sin Counter: 31) * Anakin: "But I am grown up." (+20) (Bonus Sun Counter: 51) * Padmé: "You've changed so much." Anakin: "And you haven't changed a bit." (x2) (Bonus Sin Counter: 102) * Watto: "You sure sprouted, huh?" (+25) (Bonus Sin Counter: 127) * Shmi: "Oh, my grown up son." (+30) (Bonus Sin Counter: 157) Movie Sin Tally: 378 Sentence: DE-LIMBEDCategory:Videos Category:EWW Videos Category:EWW Videos (Star Wars Edition)